I pull him up and over my shoulder. He’s screaming again, louder than before, the sound is rattling through my brain, this isn’t my Sammy. It can’t be. I carry him to his room and throw him in. Sammy is such a rotten boy. \n\n“Sammy, you’re horrible, you’re disgusting, why don’t you behave?” \n\nI’m crying now, and everything is changed. The blue walls switch to red, every toy to a weapon, Sammy is red too, red cheeks, red shirt, red tears, red, red, red. \nI wake up in Sammy’s room. I’m alone, only a big red lump wrapped near me. Sammy is gone, must have taken himself to school already. I better clean up. It looks like it’s going to freeze again tonight. I should collect Sammy.\n

North Avenue is always popular for Sammy, with the arcade and playground; it’s not difficult to see why he would come here. The whole street is drunk with lights, sounds, life. I park up to take my chances. Once I step out, I’m surrounded. People file around me, all so eager to get home as the sky raises its orange and purple claws to pull the sun down. \n\nI’m so confident Sammy will be here. \n\nThe further I get from the car, the deeper my hands bury in my pockets and the louder smells invade my nostrils. So many…passing the arcade, there is a stench of popcorn, sweat and the bitter tang of money. The combination makes me gag. \n\nUntil I spot him. Little Sammy. A smile immediately cracks across my face and in just a few steps, I am beside him. The sweets that hid in my pocket are now in my outstretched hand. Sammy is looking up at me with big brown eyes and a quivering lip. He shakes his head silently and I take his hand. He tugs away a little. I shake my head and smile at him, he’s always like this. Sometimes he’s worse. I pull him towards the car, and lift him into the back. He’s wriggling and complaining. Probably hungry, poor dear. \n\n“We’ll be home soon, Sammy.”\n\n“That’s not my name”\n\nI shake my head again, he is always like this. \n\n“What would you like for dinner?”\n\n“I don’t want to have dinner with you, I want to go home.”\n\n“That’s where we will eat then. How do chicken nuggets sound?”\n\n“Let me get out.”\n\nAlways so fiery. By the time we get home, he seems to be done with arguing and has resorted to crying. He knows it’ll make me carry him in. While he is in my arms, I hug him close. My sweet little boy. He’s kicking at me. Perhaps he’s grumpy from tiredness. It has been a long day. I lock the door and set him down in the kitchen.\n\n“Now, what will we have for dinner?”\n\nSammy doesn’t respond, just cries and cries. \nI prepare a small meal of instant mashed potatoes with chicken nuggets and broccoli. \nHe’s still crying. Does he need his medicine?\n\n[[Give dinner first, medicine should be taken on a full tummy.]]\n\n[[Give medicine, can’t have dinner ruined]]\n

I pull Sammy up to the table and wait for him to eat. \nHe doesn’t.\n\n“Sammy, you’re being rude.”\n\n“I’m not Sammy, let me go.”\n\nMy face twists into a grimace. \n\n“Sammy, eat your dinner.”\n\n“No, let me go!”\n\nHe’s screaming. It’s not stopping. Loud, so loud, loud, loud, he needs to stop, Sammy stop.\nI slam my hands down against the table. \n\n“Be quiet! You are not a good boy, you’re awful! You’re so horrible to your mother!” \n\n“You’re not my mother!”\n\nHis voice is getting higher every time.\nI round the table and see his face drop.\n\n“You are going to your room.”\n\n“No!”\n\nI wrench him up from the chair, he’s screaming so loud again, kicking and punching, his little head shaking. I hate having to punish him. When we reach his room, he has given up screaming. He’s limp and sniffling. I start to feel bad but I know I can’t be soft. Being soft will turn him into a bold boy. I drop him into the little blue room. \n\n“You can come out when you are ready to apologise”\n\n“Please let me go, I’m sorry, please”\n\n“Are you sure you’re sorry?”\n\n“Yes, yes, I’m sorry!” \n\nI hold my arms out and he walks slowly into them. His arms wrap around my neck.\n\n“Do you wanna go watch a movie, Sammy?”\n\n“Yes, please”\n\nI take his hand and lead him down the stairs. While he settles on the couch, I go to get snacks. Cookies and milk, his favourite. When I return, however, he is gone from the couch. Playing hide and seek I assume. But while I put the snacks on the table, I hear the door handle clicking. It’s locked. Why is he trying to leave? I watch him struggle against it. \n\n[[Punish him]]\n[[Get medicine, maybe that’s why he’s acting up.]]\n

It’s a clear night again, freezing, no doubt about that. The chill nips at my face and burns down my throat like hard liquor. But there were no drinks tonight. On a night like tonight, it’s best I collect my boy myself. Little Sammy would be waiting. God knows where, but he would be waiting. Sometimes by the river, other times by the library, one time, he even waited under the bridge. Little thing always looks so different in the evening. I can’t fathom where he would wait for me tonight, last night it was at the local store, so it wouldn’t be there. Where to begin?\n\n[[North Avenue - bright, colourful, very charming for the kids]]\n\n[[Bakers Street - a darker part of town, dangerous and rundown]]\n

“Sammy, it’s time for medicine.”\n\n“What?”\n\n“You need your medicine, that’s why you’re so erratic, come on, let’s go.”\n\nI take Sammy’s hand and pull him to the kitchen. The bottle is in the back of the cupboard and the spoon is beside it. I always thought it best to have this spoon only for the medicine. \n\n“Come now, open up” \n\nI pull down his chin and force the spoon in before he can stop me. He never remembers this. I put the bottle away and pick up a small bowl of berries. \n\n“Here you go, for taking your medicine so well you can have hmm…seven berries.”\n\n“What are they?”\n\n“Blackcurrants, dear, come sit.”\n\n“They’re very shiny.”\n\n“Better than them being dirty.”\n\nI pull him to the living room while he starts eating the berries.\nI sit him down next to me and click the television on.\nHe’ll be asleep soon.\n____________________________________________________________\n\nIt’s so dark, almost midnight. The medicine has started to kick in. Sammy is lying with his head on my lap, twitching and his little heart is racing. His face is paling and his breath is rattling out. I begin to doze off, thinking about the weather tomorrow. \nI’ll have to collect Sammy again.\n

Kayte O'Connor\n

“Sammy, I think it’s time for medicine.”\n\n“What?”\n\n“You need your medicine, come on, let’s go.”\n\nI go to the cupboard. The bottle is in the back and the spoon is beside it. I always thought it best to have this spoon only for the medicine. \n\n“Come now, open up” \n\nI pull down his chin and force the spoon in before he can stop me. He never remembers this. I put the bottle away and pick up a small bowl of berries. \n\n“Here you go, for taking your medicine so well you can have hmm…seven berries.”\n\n“What are they?”\n\n“Blackcurrants, dear, come sit.”\n\n“They’re very shiny.”\n\n“Better than them being dirty.”\n\nI pull him to the living room while he starts eating the berries.\nI sit him down next to me and click the television on.\nHe’ll be asleep soon.\n\n____________________________________________________________\n\nIt’s so dark, almost midnight. The medicine has started to kick in. Sammy is lying with his head on my lap, twitching and his little heart is racing. His face is paling and his breath is rattling out. I begin to doze off, thinking about the weather tomorrow. \nI’ll have to collect Sammy again.\n

Sammy

I try the name.\n\n"Caleb."\n\nIt feels strange on my lips but he nods, looking almost worried.\n\n"Caleb...it suits you."\n\n"Really?!" His face lights up and his pout is replaced with a smile, the widest yet. He rushes around the table and climbs into my lap, sobbing and clinging. \n\n"Thank you, thank you, mom, thank you!" His voice is muddled and I hug him tighter.\n\n"Shh, shh, sweetie, no tears. Sa-Caleb. No tears, Caleb."\n\nHe sniffles quietly and murmurs an apology.\n\n"Let's clean up and then it's bath time."\n\nHe helps to bring plates and tries to wipe the table. He is so small though, he can't reach the middle. Everything is done quickly and our hands are joined again. He undresses while I fill the bath.\n\n"Test the water; don't want you to burn yourself."\n\nHe dips a finger in and nods.\n\n"'S okay"\n\nI lift him in and stay nearby. The bubbles are entertainment for him while I drizzle the gel onto the loofah.\nHe's silent while I scrub him, though I'm sure I'm gentle. \n\n"Are you okay, Caleb?"\n\n"Yes...mom."\n\nI nod. \n\n"You tired?"\n\nHe nods. \n\nI wash his hair quickly. I can't have my boy staying up too late. I lift him out of the bath and dry him quickly. He's so still, little bruises cover him. Childish roughhousing. \nIn just a few moments more, he is in his pyjamas and is climbing into bed. He reaches up and hugs me again.\n\n"Night, mom."\n\n"Goodnight, Caleb. Sleep well."\n\n"I love you."\n\n"I love you too, dear."\n\n________________________________________________________\n\nIt's the wee hours of the morning when bright blue lights and sirens tear through the house. The pounding on the door is sure to wake Caleb.\nI rush into his room. He is sitting bolt upright.\n\n"Mom, what is it?"\n\n"Caleb, honey, I'm going to deal with them, alright? Will you give me a hug first, we need to be brave."\n\nThe pounding on the door is getting louder, Caleb’s nodding is almost in time with it.\nI sit onto his bed next to him and he hugs me tight.\n\n"Caleb, you know I love you very much."\n\n"Yes, mom, I love you too."\n\nA smash from the living room window.\n\n"I need you to promise me something."\n\n"Anything, mom."\n\nVoices, low and humming. They're getting closer.\n\n"Promise me you'll be a good boy. Always be a good boy. Be strong and brave and be good. You can do anything you want in life. Anything at all."\n\nFootsteps mar the stairs. My arms make their way around Sammy and hug him tight for what I know is the last time. \n\n"Mom, what's going to happen?"\n\nDoors are bursting open for every room but this one. \n\n"I don't know, honey. But do you promise?"\n\nHe nods.\nAnd almost as if they saw him nod, the door bursts open.\nBlack uniforms, guns pointed directly at me, screaming and shouting from all directions.\nOnly one phrase sticks out. \n\n"Get away from him."\n\nA thousand hands pull me away from him, forcing me to let go of my only boy. My precious Samleb.\nAt that moment, I have no memories, no stories of my life with him before today. Just today.\n\nGod let it be enough.\n\nMetal on my wrists, a declaration of my rights and Calmmy's screams. \n\nMommy, mommy, mommy, mommy.\n\nI smile at him.\n\n"Remember your promise" \n\nI'm dragged out the door before I can say anymore. I can still hear his screams.\n\n"Let go of my mom!" \n\nHe is so loud.\nI smile and listen to them telling me that I'm sick.\nI ignore it and use my last energy on a whisper. \n\n"Goodbye, Sammy."\n

Sammy rarely comes down Baker's street. It's far too dark for him. Nonetheless, I persevere. What matters is finding my boy, not where I find him. I scan the sidewalks. What did he wear today? I see a group of girls, a bouquet of Spring flowers. \nBut no Sammy. \nI am growing impatient. He has hidden so well as of late. I almost feel like he doesn't want to come home. But then I see him! \nHe's dressed in his older clothes, ragged shirt and unbrushed hair. I stop adjacent and open the passenger door. I wave and he points to himself, a look of dirty shock on his face. \nI nod and smile. \nHe slowly approaches the car but after a moment, gets impatient with himself. He rushes forward and slides into the car. He closes the door quickly as if I was going to shove him out again. \n\n"Hello, sweetie. Seatbelt?"\n\nHe looks up at me with big china eyes and I smile. He presses the seatbelt in and we take off. \n\n"How was your day?"\n\n"Um, fine, yeah. A boy in school shoved me a bit. He said my bag is dirty."\n\n"Only because it is so loved! You are a good student and take your bag everywhere, it's only right that it would get a bit messy. You ignore him, dear."\n\nHe nods and I see his pale blonde hair bounce and fall in his face. It has gotten so long. We stop at a red light and I reach across to push it back from his face. The filth on his cheeks is out of place. My little darling could never be smeared in dirt of all things. \n\n"Wipe your face off, dear."\n\n"With what?"\n\n"There are wipes in the dash, same as always." \n\nHe obeys happily, and soon his pink cheeks are as pure as rose petals. I smile at him, such a lovely boy.\n\n"Do you want to pick what we will have for dinner?"\n\n"YES!" His tiny legs swing at the thought.\n\n"Pop on your jumper. I think there's one in the back." \n\nHe tugs it on; it's so loose on his skinny frame. We pull into the closest supermarket. We get out of the car and he immediately grabs my hand. \n\n"Can I really pick dinner?" his voice is barely a whisper. \n\n"Of course, love. You're such a well behaved boy, as such, you will get a reward." \n\n"Thank you!" He beams up at me and warmth smothers my heart. \nIn our stroll through the supermarket, he is excited. It is good to see him wanting to eat. He runs off ahead and peers at everything like they are precious jewels. His eyes are so wide and he turns to me.\n\n"Are chicken nuggets okay?" \n\n"Sure! What would you like with them?"\n\nHis eyes are so wide. He seems lost for words.\n\n"Maybe some mashed potatoes? Some beans too? Just chicken nuggets would not be enough for a growing boy."\n\nWithout warning, he wraps his arms around me and I realize he has become a grateful child. I kiss his head before he releases me. As I being him to the checkout, I realize I've never seen my Sammy so happy. On our way home, he is too excited to keep quiet, he tells me all about school, children who've ruined his young life, teachers who refuse to fix it. My poor boy. \n\nI take his small hand and squeeze. He looks so shocked by contact. Are my hands cold? He cradles my hand in his two, turning my fingers, playing with individual digits. I smile, but I need to pull away and I see his face drop, eyes almost tearful.\n\n"Why..." His question is so quiet. \n\n"We need to turn in home, love"\n\nWhen we get out of the car, he reaches hesitantly for my hand as we walk, but seems to pull back.\n"Hmm, you wanna hold hands?"\nHe nods, a bright blush covering his cheeks. I hold his hand tight.\n\nWhile dinner cooks, I set the table and Sammy sits in his place. He is thinking so hard. I leave him be. I can see his mouth open and close a few times.\n"Um...mom?"\n"Yes, darling?"\n"I can stay here, can't I?" \n"Of course, Sammy!" I round the table and bend to look into his eyes.\n"You're my son. You always have a place here, to matter what, okay?"\nHe wraps his skinny arms around my neck as the timer goes off on the cooker. I ignore it.\n"Mom?"\n"Yes, love?"\n"Can you...I…" He coughs and blushes "Can I ask you to do something for me? Please?"\n"Anything in the world"\n"Can you call me Caleb?"\n\n\n[[I shake my head. "But that's not your name.]]\n\n[[Of course]]\n

He stares up at me, eyes a little sad.\n\n"But..."\n\n"I need to clean up, Sammy."\n\nI kiss his head, and start to put our dinners together. Even though he looks so happy to have dinner before him, I can't help but wonder about this name he wants to use. Why would he change it? \nI ignore it as clicking fills the room. His dinner disappears so quickly. \nHe watches from beside me and eventually he reaches towards me very slowly. I glance at him and hold my hand out to cot his little one. He is so delicate. His roughing about has left him dirty.\n\n"Let's leave this here, and get you into the bath.\n\nHis face lights up\n\n"Yes!"\n\nSammy sits beside me as I prepare his bath. His frail legs swing. \n\n"Come check if it's too hot"\n\nHe dips a finger and nods. \n\n"It's okay"\n\nHe undresses and I lift him in. The water continues to fill the bath.\n\n"I have to clean up, you can turn this off when it's deep enough, can't you?"\n\nHe nods.\n\n"That's my good boy.\n\nI kiss his head again and leave. In a short while, the table is clear and the dishes are clean. Sammy is still in the bath.\n\n"Sammy?"\n\nMy voice echoes and dies without response.\nI frown.\n\n"Sammy?"\n\nI go to the bathroom and see Sammy with his head back under the high water. It floats around his head like those lines around the sun in a child’s drawing. He is not clean yet. Clearly taking a rest, poor thing must be exhausted.\n\nI pull him up and keep an arm at his back. His hair flows back from his face in a waterfall of platinum. \nThe loofah is close. I drizzle the gel over it and scrub him in small, gentle circles. His head lolls back over my arm.\n\nSoon he is clean. I lift him out and pat him dry without waking him. He has turned so pale, so cold. His pyjamas should warm him right up. I carry him carefully to his bed and tuck him in tight. He still hasn't woken up. I kiss his forehead and whisper\n\n"Goodnight, my little Sammy, I love you."\n