(align:"=><=")[(text-style:"bold")[The last day of a muse]
Sergio Cedric Castañeda N.
v1.36]
(align:"=><=")+(box:"X=")[[[Start|r001]]
]
(set: $memories to 0)
(set: $ruminations to 0)
(set: $r034 to false)
(set: $r042 to false)
(set: $r039 to false)As I pranced around the empty page, a familiar face appeared before me.
Not on the page, not really. But not really before me either.
...more like, inside my head.
But then a child's voice told me.
[[//Don't give in!//|r001b]]Speaking of children, I'm speaking with childlike verity, and yet this isn't a tantrum.
You'll no longer inspire my words.
You could call this a [[goodbye|r007]] or a [[see you soon|r003]].
Either way, things will never be the same between you and I.Because, it's been [[foretold|r004]]. Not by a witch, but by the patterns I've observed. Yes, I've observed, perhaps for too long.
Because the more I think of you, the more you come to me.
I try to stop calling you in my dreams, but who can decide what not to dream? So you come, and I keep opening the window and letting you in. [[I can't stop|r005]] the loop.
But I need to make it stop, I know [[I'm strong enough|r006]].
And yet, I never learned how to be alone. You-deprived.
And thus I concede, I accept this choice isn't in my hands.
I can't leave, [[I don't want to|e001]].
In the end, you always come back to me, nourish me with love crumbs.
''GAME OVER''
[[Try again?|start]]And I hear the knocking at my blank page. I swear I do... but I stop, just this once.
I want to [[change|r007]].
(set: $memories to it + 1)
(if: $memories is <= 1)[//I've recovered $memories memory out of 5.//]
(if: $memories is > 1)[//I've recovered $memories memories out of 5.//]
I've decided to love whatever tomorrow brings my way, and to rename you Yesterday.
The mystery of a blank canvas, a wet brush that could go [[anywhere|r008]], still.
Anywhere, because to be honest, you never quite let me look inside you.
Yes, you've seen my guts: naked beside you several times.
But... I don't even know your mother's name. Oh, what a shame.
Were you ever [[there?|r009]]
Even so... calling you a blank canvas would be unfair.
There's nothing there, that's how it [[should be|r010]].
Yesterday Malevich, that could be a fitting name.
Things went the way they had to go. I just let them be.
I closed my eyes, and let myself drift away.
No safety net.
When I opened them, I had walked far, far away from home.
Right now, I can't remember quite well where the pathway led me. Was it a [[forested landscape|r011]]? Or a [[dry desert|r022]] perhaps?
I contemplated the fruit hanging from the trees, I finally understood I shouldn't [[feel|r012]] bad for having felt... what I felt.
Even now I feel you sometimes.
An empty vibration concealed in a shadow. A subtle smile that appears without a joke required.
I still [[feel|r013]] you sometimes.
I've let you live on my head. Sometimes hiding in [[my hair|r014]], rent free. Sometimes whispering advice, behind [[my right ear|r017]].
And still, you've got to leave.
Not because I hate you. It's a gesture of love, for [[myself|r018]].
(set: $memories to it + 1)
(if: $memories is <= 1)[//I've recovered $memories memory out of 5.//]
(if: $memories is > 1)[//I've recovered $memories memories out of 5.//]But I couldn't kick you out, just thinking about it made my stomach sick.
Two opposing forces clash inside me.
I never want to lose you, I'd do [[anything|r015]] to make you stay. But I also know this... isn't [[right|r016]].
But you always leave, no matter what I do.
I can't be without you. You made me used to you.
And now, you stand before me, but you're still [[gone|e002]].
Gone again, and little by little... I hate the thought of you.
''GAME OVER''
[[Try again?|start]]Never did you feel like shackles in my life. Quite the opposite. I knew I had to welcome all the gifts you selflessly gave me.
Which is precisely why [[I've got to go|r018]].
You leave, because there's someone else I love. My son, my legacy, my breathing work. The child who tells me [[to let go|r019]].
He walks with me, and asks if there's something else I'd like to say.
I always say the same things, talk about you.So this is the last day you're my muse.
My offspring wants me to search for answers somewhere else. And you keep feeding me the same. Everything, [[nothing|r020]].
The explosion we shared still [[lingers|r021]] in nothingness.
Nothing? No, that wouldn't be fair.
(if: $ruminations is < 3)[Help me remember, both of us were there anyway.]
(if: $r034 is false)[[[Remember the dream?|r031]]]
(if: $r042 is false)[[[Remember the question?|r040]]]
(if: $r039 is false)[[[Remember the phone call?|r036]]]
(if: $ruminations is 3)[[[...I can't stop.|r043]]]
A desolated vista, my [[waiting and sacrifice|r023]] ignored.I had you, and [[I lost you|r024]]. But, how did I lose you in the first place if [[you never were mine?|r027]]
I'll have you. I'll have you. [[I'll have you.|r025]]
God damn, I turned into my [[worst fear|r026]]. Maybe, trying to possess you is what made you run away.
Even if I really don't, I'll have you. I'd rather lie to myself.
Because this bittersweet vision pleases me. I want to [[believe|e003]] it.
In my daydreams and fantasies you love me. The magic is... neverending.
This must be true love.
''GAME OVER''
[[Try again?|start]]Why do I lie to myself?
I never truly had you.
[[Never.|r028]]
In this silence, in the wake of nothingness I see my self deceipt.
To think I could [[anticipate|r029]] your thoughts and feelings.
Frustration awaits whoever tries to force love where there's nothing. Because once we fake [[love|r018]], it turns into something else.
A monstruous abnormality that should never be named.
So I won't.
But why am I so cruel with myself?
Why do I torture me this way?
[[You're not here|r028]], I've got to live with this reality.
(set: $memories to it + 1)
(if: $memories is <= 1)[//I've recovered $memories memory out of 5.//]
(if: $memories is > 1)[//I've recovered $memories memories out of 5.//]I had never [[dreamt|r032]] of you. Except for that time.
The roles had reversed, you asked for advice. I just listened, unsatisfied, you followed me to my bedside.
And [[waited|r033]].
I don't doubt you believe me. In the end, it's you who messaged me the next day. Something wasn't right.
And I [[listened|r034]].
No, you can't take it back. Or you'd have to [[concede|r035]] there's nothing beyond our limited beliefs.
(set: $memories to it + 1)
(set: $ruminations to it + 1)
(set: $r034 to true)
(if: $memories is <= 1)[//I've recovered $memories memory out of 5.//]
(if: $memories is > 1)[//I've recovered $memories memories out of 5.//](if: $ruminations is < 3)[It hurts, I don't want to think about it anymore... I just want to [[leave right now|r045]].]
(if: $ruminations is 3)[The child tells me to stop, [[it's time to let go.|r045]].]
(if: $ruminations is <= 3)[...But something tells me I should ponder about it more. I want to dig deeper, [[remember more|r021]].]That day we talked twice. On the first call, I whined about just wanting to be your friend.
"Like why do you keep pushing me [[away|r037]]?"
But then I called again, walking down a stuck up boulevard.
I wasn't going to back out the second time.
And just like that, I let you know.
Do you remember what I [[asked|r038]]?
"Do you think you could ever feel the same way?"
//"I don't know. It's too soon to know".//
It's [[too soon|r039]].No, we can't take it back. Or we'd have to accept that the first unfiltered words aren't [[real|r035]] at all.
(set: $memories to it + 1)
(set: $ruminations to it + 1)
(set: $r039 to true)
(if: $memories is <= 1)[//I've recovered $memories memory out of 5.//]
(if: $memories is > 1)[//I've recovered $memories memories out of 5.//]We were on our way out. Until I noticed there was something off about you.
A horrible vision struck me, and a voice left my chest.
"My friend, everything's going to be [[OK|r041]]".
Touched, you asked.
//"What is that supposed to mean? Are you usually this way?"//
It wasn't supposed to mean anything.
What I said was just meant to be said.
"No, usually I'm not."
You know it's [[true|r042]].
I can't take it back.
Ever since that day, I understood something about my inner [[drive|r035]].
(set: $memories to it + 1)
(set: $ruminations to it + 1)
(set: $r042 to true)
(if: $memories is <= 1)[//I've recovered $memories memory out of 5.//]
(if: $memories is > 1)[//I've recovered $memories memories out of 5.//]And I get stuck in this loop. There's nothing left to see, and I keep [[ruminating|r044]] on it.
It hurts to accept, that maybe, just maybe I made everything up.
What I named destiny has a more logical name.
[[Obsession|e004]]If these were to be my most treasured memories.
Would they suffice for the rest of my lifetime?
I think not.
And I think again
and again
of you.
''GAME OVER''
[[Try again?|start]]How tragic, how we censor what just [[is|r046]].
I suddenly remember that time we said goodbye forever.
Visions of Gideon under my arm, I cried on my way home.
It's [[too late|r047]] to know.
Too soon to love, too late to know. I see you see my dillema. Unavoidable.
I want to walk without finding you at any given day. Is that too much to ask for?
My son asks:
//Will it ever be too [[now|r048]] to be?//I hesitate.
But I know the (if: $memories >= 4)[[[truth|e1]]](if: $memories <= 3 and > 1)[[truth|e2]](if: $memories <= 1)[[truth|e3]].All the words together turn into an ethereal pulp.
In the stillness, I suddenly see it ever so [[clearly|r050]].
The truth is everywhere, nowhere.Even if I wanted to name you Yesterday, I couldn't. For you're there, at the origin. Today, everywhere.
I loved you, [[with all my powers|r051]]. And now a part of you lives in me.
A quiet canvas.
A [[calm|r052]] canvas.
Today I name you, my friend. You've seen my blue veil. I believe I see yours too. Is it green?
I'd rather you told me.
I'd rather you showed me.
In the meantime, I'll sing a [[soundless song|r053]].In my truest moment, I loved you.
But now, we're no longer the same. And [[that's OK|r054]].
If you ever want to know, I'll be there. On my own, feet light on wet sand.
Call me for what I am... your [[friend|r055]].
Today is the last day of a muse, now turned [[friend|e005]].
For I know we're lucky, for trusting each other like we do.
Tranquil and blessed to have someone to love, forever.
[[FRIENDS|ty]]Any sort of good answer eludes me. The silence repeats itself like a broken, empty record.
But in this stillness I see it [[clearly|r057]].
Even if I wanted to name you Yesterday, I couldn't. For you're there, at the origin.
I loved you, with all my powers. And now a part of you lives [[in me|r058]].Whatever you did to me I'd love to call conquer and abandon. That way, I'd have something to get over with.
But you're there, at the origin. [[In me.|r059]]
Today, I name you my melancholy. A blue veil that I can't heal from.
A veil stitched to my [[soul|r060]].
Why would I regret feeling what simply is? It just is.
In my truest moment, I loved you. Yesterday... how far is that from today?
I won't be [[anymore|r061]]. But yesterday, today, and tomorrow, I may be.
I accept I'll miss your soul ridden laughter, the Flowers I got to see under the moon.
I refuse to hate the shape of you, because I love every inch of me, and thereby I love you too.
There's that, there's [[nothing more|r062]].
Today is the last day of a muse. Disturbed, but blessed to know I did love.
I profoundly loved.
[[I'm leaving|e006]].Disturbed and free, evermore.
[[EVERMORE|ty]]I don't want to feel again. I'd rather let the decantation dry out.
It hurts to know, what I must accept. It'll hurt everyday if I don't walk away from [[everything|r065]]. Even from what I love.
I'm not taking risks. I'm cutting everything off.
This is the last time I say your name. With love, and hate.
I hear my son crying, farther and farther away as I leave. Soon, we'll [[forget|r066]] each other.
Yesteday, today is the last day of a muse. My last muse, you. Do what you want with this last gift.
Do you hear me alright? I'm [[leaving|e007]].
Something broke inside of me, and yet, I remembered who is that ellusive me.
I just know someday, I'll be free.
I've got nothing else.
I must believe.
[[BROKEN|ty]]And I don't know what to answer, so I just hold him tight.
It's not in my nature, to nurture him. I didn't choose this. My self-conservation kicked in, and now we're [[stuck|r069]] with each other.
"Everything's going to be OK"
But who are these [[comforting words|r070]] words really for?
Yesterday, today is the last day of a muse.
Someday, I'll grow out of this. I'll be stronger.
Do you hear me alright? I'm [[leaving|e008]].
I know... Someday, I'll forget whatever we had
ever was.
[[SOMEDAY|ty]][[I tell him everything|r049]]
[[I tell him nothing|r056]][[I tell him nothing.|r056]]
[[I leave him to starve.|r064]][[I leave him to starve.|r064]]
[[I comfort him.|r068]](align:"=><=")[(text-style:"bold")[The last day of a muse]
Sergio Cedric Castañeda N.]
(text-style:"fade-in-out")[THANKS FOR PLAYING]Yes. I remember clearly, what I decided yesterday when I came back from that fateful morning jog.
I decided you'll no longer inspire [[my words|r002]].
↶↷The last day of a muse
Sergio Cedric Castañeda N.
v1.36
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