Good Morning!

Good Morning! Today is your 18th birthday, so rise and shine! It's time to roll up those sleeves and get yourself ready for the day [[Ok!->Ok!]]

Thatta boy! Or girl. Or person... No time for a discuss on the social constructs of the heteronative Western culture! There is no time to waste! You must get yourself ready for the work day! [[wait, where do I work?->where?]]

Don't you worry about a thing! You'll be doing the line of work that best fits who you are as a person. How is this decided? By the choices you make, of course. That's what life is all about, right? Anyway, time to get up! [[spring out of bed!->spring]] [[roll out of bed..->roll]]

Good job! Next step... you should probably brush your teeth. I mean, ''I'' can't smell your breath.. but others probably can. Plus oral health is very important. Anyway, you grab your tooth brush and start brushing with your.. [[..whiskey!->whiskey!]] [[..extra strength tooth paste made out of dinosaur bones->paste]]

Good job! Next step... you should probably brush your teeth. I mean, ''I'' can't smell your breath.. but others probably can. Plus oral health is very important. Anyway, you grab your tooth brush and start brushing with your.. [[..whiskey!->whiskey2]] [[..extra strength tooth paste made out of dinosaur bones->paste2]]

Mmmm that sweet oaky-taste.. Nice and peaty! Alright, time to find a nice pairing for our morning whiskey. Can't get too drunk before work! Time to fill that belly with.. [[...this golden fruit that I received from a monk for helping him find his monkey->fruit]] [[...cocaine, because I've lived this long. Let's push the limits!->coke]]

Crescent fresssh! You got some sick pearly going on now! Whoops, we forgot to eat breakfast. Are you suppose to eat before or after brushing? I never really knew... Too late now! Let's have... [[whiskey, because I still need my morning whiskey. I just care about my oral health more than my drinking problem->bwhisk]] [[a bowl of nails for breakfast... without any milk...->nails]]

Mmmm that sweet oaky-taste.. Nice and peaty! Alright, time to find a nice pairing for our morning whiskey. Can't get too drunk before work! Time to fill that belly with.. [[...this golden fruit that I received from a monk for helping him find his monkey->fruit2]] [[...cocaine, because I've lived this long. Let's push the limits!->coke2]]

Crescent fresssh! You got some sick pearly going on now! Whoops, we forgot to eat breakfast. Are you suppose to eat before or after brushing? I never really knew... Too late now! Let's have... [[whiskey, because I still need my morning whiskey. I just care about my oral health more than my drinking problem->bwhisk2]] [[a bowl of nails for breakfast... without any milk...->nails2]]

Yum! Those monks know how to snack! Now... you should probably pick out your outfit and be on your way to your new adult life! I know it'll be hard to decide this ''before'' finding out your career.. but go with your insticts! Dress for the life you want! [[something all cotton.. preferrably made by a company that employees children.. or feeds children.. or something..->insta]] [[forget comfort! I need a heavy coat with a lot of buckles! Pockets to hold more booze too!->pirate]]

Oh.. ok... really striving for success here... Well regardless, you should probably pick out your outfit and be on your way to your new adult life! I know it'll be hard to decide this ''before'' finding out your career.. but go with your insticts! Dress for the life you want! Oh and try to pick something that goes with white... since it's still on your face a bit.. [[a full preist uniform, HALLELUJAH HERE I COME WORLD!->nic]] [[a bedazzelled leopard print bikini with JUICY on the butt and EXTRA JUICY on the front. HELL YEAH!->reality]]

Yum! Those monks know how to snack! Now... you should probably pick out your outfit and be on your way to your new adult life! I know it'll be hard to decide this ''before'' finding out your career.. but go with your insticts! Dress for the life you want! [[whatever best channels my emotions.. contrasting colors that also compliment and can only be seen by mantis shrimp->artist]] [[loose clothes so that you can't see the gun I'm packing. Don't ask why. What're you, a cop?->dealer]]

Oh.. ok... really striving for success here... Well regardless, you should probably pick out your outfit and be on your way to your new adult life! I know it'll be hard to decide this ''before'' finding out your career.. but go with your insticts! Dress for the life you want! Oh and try to pick something that goes with white... since it's still on your face a bit.. [[anything I can keep buttoned down to show off this glorious chest hair. I can it The Curly Forest of Love->rock]] [[what's wrong with what I wore to bed? This onsie is multi-functional ''and'' its got hidden pockets that cops can't find->addict]]

Fine. Have a drink. At least your teeth have jurassic protection. Sounds like you're preparing for a long day, huh? Let's wrap this up.. I'm getting tired of typing.. What are you going to wear today, Mr. Bigshot?? [[a nice suit. Very colorful though. Perhaps.. purple? and gold? Real slick, trust-worth colors.. ya know?->scam]] [[yeah.. a suit.. except maybe with jeans and a t'shirt. So just the blazer, really.. and some dad shoes, since I make a lot of dad noises as is->director]]

O...k... I'm guessing you're just a big Spongebob fan, right? Now... you should probably pick out your outfit and be on your way to your new adult life! I know it'll be hard to decide this ''before'' finding out your career.. but go with your insticts! Dress for the life you want! Let's put on... [[..a nice BRIGHT YELLOW hazmat suit! Those are handy for EVERY situation!->scien]] [[..lots of colors and sparkles! Rainbow if possible! Also flame-retardant..->circus]]

Cool. Have a drink. At least your teeth have jurassic protection. Sounds like you're preparing for a long day, huh? Let's wrap this up.. I'm getting tired of typing.. What are you going to wear today, Mr. Bigshot?? [[something I can wear for a +20 hour shift... and can get blood on... like lots of blood.... can I have another drink?->dr]] [[a t'shirt with a hot, busty anime-cat-girl on it and I'm not explaining myself.->elon]]

O...k... Edgy much? Well then.. I can see you don't care much for life as a whole (let alone this very important morning). Let's just finish this then.. What are you going to wear? [[a suit.. because I hate my life->corp]] [[nothing.. because I hate my life->dead]]

HOLY COW! You're not 18! You're 55! You're also ''NICOLAS CAGE?!'' No wonder you were SO DAMN WEIRD! Well.. sorry about the mix up.. Looks like I have an 18 year old to find and narrate the morning for. Good luck with... whatever... you... do... YOU ARE : NICOLAS CAGE ending 3/16

Oh man, that outfit will go great with that crazy night you'll have at the club! Gotta make sure it's the extra-bedazzelled bikini too, because you want to shine ON CAMERA! That's right, you're a ''reality tv star!'' Now take a few more shots and fight someone. You need to make sure you have a spot in the "15 Craziest Reality TV Show Moments" Youtube videos.. you know since MTV is dead and all... Actually where are they broadcasting your show anyway? Hulu? Well good job nonetheless. YOU ARE : A REALITY TV STAR ending 4/16

You're gonna trade this life For fortune and fame You'll even cut your hair And change your name... 'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars And live in hilltop houses, drivin' fifteen cars The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat ..Yeah, I copy and pasted a Nickelback song.. so what? There are like.. 16 endings.. I'm getting tired. Don't @ me, man.. You probably sang to it, didn't you? Good luck getting it out of your head! YOU ARE : A ROCKSTAR ending 11/16

This is usually when I have some fun.. making fun of your new job.. but you don't really have one. You probably have the worst ending.. Or second worst.. Look, I know we had some fun, joking about alcohol and drugs, but I wasn't serious! I mean.. everyone is like "LOL SO ME, GLUG GLUG, 18 MIMOSAS AND A BAGGY!".. but it's not actually cool. I care about you, man. We all do. Get some help. YOU ARE : A DRUG ADDICT ending 12/16

Oh ... gooooooodddd.... I hate to be the one to tell you this.. but you're one of those.. ''instagram travel-bloggers'' .. Grab your iPhone and 15 other devices and get on that plane to Thailand. You've got some photos to destroy with filters! Don't worry about trying to pack light. You're ego will tip the airport scale on it's own. YOU ARE : AN INSTAGRAM TRAVEL-BLOGGER ending 1/16

DRINK UP ME HEARTIES - YO HO! Avast Ye Bucko! Ye be lookout.. n raise that Jolly Roger! Once we batten down the hatches, we be plunderin' n pillagin' for the real crown loot! After morrow, ye may sing a chantey.. dance with Jack Ketch.. crack Jenny's teacup even over some grog! But don't be gettin' squiffy yet! Savvy? YOU ARE : A PIRATE ending 2/16

Actually, you don't need to get dressed. You don't even need to leave the house! Just get butt-naked and start rolling in some oil paints! (god, I hope they don't clog pores... that's where the sweet, juicy, creative fluids come from!) Hope you're familiar with etsy... YOU ARE : AN ARTIST ending 9/16

No man.. I swear.. I'm cool... and so are you! I mean, to eighth graders.. Listen man, I'm glad you're not using.. It went really well for Pinkman when he went to rehab and all.. but maybe try some college classes? Some art courses or something? I'm all for sticking it to "The Man".. but "The Man" can stick it right back to you.. and so will your cell-mate. YOU ARE : A DRUG DEALER ending 10/16

Well buddy.. just take the lamest ending there is then.. congratulations.. you've earned it! You don't even get an interesting ending message.. just here it is... no jokes.. just bitterness. YOU ARE : A CORPORATE DRONE . . . also you're totally going to drive your Prius off a bridge during rush hour when you're 35.. and your spouse is sleeping with Ricardo.. the masseuse.. his hands are like warm croissants ending 15/16

Oh... Oh no... I guess I wasn't suppose to be here.. I don't know how to break this to you.. but you aren't.. haaaving a "rest of your life"... I had a feeling you looked a little more transparent than the other kids I've narrated for. You are... kind of already dead. Hey! Good news though! You don't have to get a job! Also, I hear ghost drugs are like waaay better than normal drugs. Sick! YOU ARE : DEAD ending 16/16

Get working on that evil laugh and CRAZY hair! You've got a lab to run, you insane S.O.B! I can't say much.. but let's just say that you might become a little famous for a small invention you might call.. "the suuuuper plague" YOU ARE : A MAD SCIENTIST ending 7/16

YOU FREAK! Don't worry, that's a compliment now! You're proud of those insanely freakish abilities that get you loads of attention from weird, mid-west families! In case you're confused.. no you're not honey-boo-boo... YOU ARE : A CIRCUS PERFORMER ending 8/16

WELL PAY ME UP LIKE A MONA NAMED LISA AND HANG ME ON A WALL IN EUROPE You have GOT TO BE the slickest salesman to every grace this side of the place we are, wherever that is! Now, don't read too inbetween the lines here.. I'll just come out and say it.. you might not be really selling the beeeees kneeeeesss... but that's alright! You've been graced with that real smart, fast talkin' mouth for a reason, I swears it! Get on your fancy pants and grab your socks-blow-em-offer YOU ARE : A SCAM ARTIST ending 5/16

I can see it now.. Young 18 year old.. stepping out of the house... you head hangs low, but your shoulders squared. You're ready. You hop into your old, but cool and retro hand-me-down car.. look into your rearview mirror, stick in the photo of your and your mom (whom recently passed) and smile a little.. because you've passed too.. Passed through the story arc of your life as the rebel without a cause in this small town full of phonies. Do you see it too? Of course you do! Because ... YOU ARE : A DIRECTOR ending 6/16

This is the part where I put in a Grey's Anatomy reference, but I'm an all knowing, 18 year old training narrator... not a lonely housewife, so I've never seen the show. Maybe Dr. House? Or was it just called House? Considering you had whiskey for breakfast, let's go with the House reference. ...damn, I never watched that show either.. ... ... [House reference] ... there you go! YOU ARE : A DOCTOR ending 13/16

*air horns* *air hooorns* *air horns* *air hooorns* *air hooooooooorns* Say good bye to sleep and hello to ambien! It's time to save the world... one.. meme.. at.. a.. time!! Get ready to blaze it on Mars! YOU ARE : ELON MUSK why? why not? Is a weed smoking, memeing, real-life Iron Man sending electric cars to space too UNREALISTIC for a GAME? ending 14/16

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Good Morning!
Today is your 18th birthday, so rise and shine! It's time to roll up those sleeves and get yourself ready for the day

Ok!