<u>**No Regrets**</u>
you walk in a winding path along the sidewalk. it is night. 10:16. you promised jessie you’d come over to help her dye her hair around 10:30. blonde again. [[when you walk alone you don’t have to stay to one side of the sidewalk|invited]].
<img src=https://66.media.tumblr.com/65d475aae9a50dd89ec6c6036149556f/81b70ebdf1c35c42-2e/s540x810/177c8351cc8d7f91b11487edb30d3304402aee40.gifv>you check your phone to see if she’s texted you. nothing from jess, but there’s a text from willy. he’s having some friends from your acting class over tonight. francesca, bonnie, joseph, ali, matt, zach, teresa, dan. dan is a funny guy. ali has a podcast that you actually really like. you respect joseph’s acting range. you want to go. you like those people. they’re headed towards the same industry as you after graduation. if you befriend them enough, you might even have a roommate in the city next year to help with rent while you try your luck at every casting call you can find. meanwhile, jessie has been around for three years now. spending time with her is fun, but it doesn’t fill [[the void]] the way the people from your acting class do.a text appears from jessie:
“hey i got some gloves so your hands aren’t bleached for the next week haha, see you in a bit!”
you open up iMessage to type a reply:
[[“On my way!”|jess]]
[[“really sorry, but can we postpone?”|willy]]you text willy that you can’t make it but have fun! and you continue zigzagging towards jessie’s place. freedom to occupy any part of the sidewalk. you feel uneasy about missing the kickback at willy’s, but you reassure yourself that it’s better not to disappoint jessie. she’d probably be hurt if she knew you chose to ditch your commitment to her at the last minute to chase after a place in the drama friend group. [[she is quite sensitive|sensitive]]. you text willy that you’re headed over. he sends back a <img src="https://emojipedia-us.s3.dualstack.us-west-1.amazonaws.com/thumbs/240/apple/237/grinning-face-with-one-large-and-one-small-eye_1f92a.png"width="27" height="27"> and you set off at a brisk pace, straight down the sidewalk. the worry that you’re a flaky friend is tossed off the flapping tail of your scarf and dissipates behind you into the cold wind. jessie can handle [[being brunette for another day]].the bleach makes it hard to breathe. you open a window. one of the three in the apartment. she washes it out in the kitchen sink. you tell her it looks better than last time. and the two times before that. your gut tells you it’s time to leave. you don’t know if [[you can’t stand the smell of the bleach]] or if [[you’re beginning to resent something]].you get dinner with Jess. Japanese food. she doesn't get your joke about the white sushi chefs.
you give up trying to spend time with willy and the others. you begin to hide in the back of your acting class. you start to lose confidence in your acting abilities.
[[drop the class]]
[[ask the professor for extra help]]two days later jessie sends you a picture of a chunk of hair under her left ear that’s still brown. your acting professor clears her throat and you pocket your phone. it’s time to present your skits in groups of three. willy, zach, and teresa. joseph, ali, and dan. bonnie, francesca, and matt. you, clarice, and marshall. you feel like your group was not as creative with the prompt as the other three. maybe the groups would have been different if you had gone to willy’s house the other night. after class you pull out your phone and open up jessie’s hair message.
~~lol we missed a spot~~
[[tbh that one square inch of your head looks better than the rest of it. maybe blonde isn’t for you?|opportunity]]
[[ignore the message|opportunity]]next Monday. 5:30pm. class is over. willy and the others hang around talking. you head straight for the door. you check your phone. no one has texted you. you meander down the pavement, stepping on every crack. you and jessie haven’t talked for two weeks. you're worried that icing her out only isolated you. forgiveness is not a given. you regret taking it out on jessie. you were the one who chose not to go to willy’s. you’re the one who keeps choosing not to strike up conversation with them after class. you wish you could [[go back|the void]]. but you need to [[make amends]].you decide to forgive yourself for the decision you made. you were doing what you felt was best in that moment. the door isn’t closed on the theater kids nor on jess. and besides, even if it is closed, you can reach out and open it.
[[text willy]]
[[text jessie]]dan is reciting a prayer over takeout containers of dining hall food. he says he is not thanking God but rather his parents for paying for his meal plan, and that these are the last couple months in his life with constant access to food. the odds of landing a role that pays for Wi-Fi *and* three meals a day straight out of college are slim to none, my friend, slim to none. bonnie tells you in the living room that she’s being scouted by a director in New York. the production is off-broadway but only like 2 miles off broadway. willy says his thesis screenplay is like a Greta Gerwig film set during the Revolutionary War with an all Asian cast.
you leave with plans to meet on Tuesday again to make a short film re-enacting the breakfast club’s iconic dance scene [[without any music]].after a soon to be forgotten commencement speech, you squeeze in front of the theater department’s front doors with bonnie, willy, and dan. your mom holds up her iphone singing “everybody say future roomies!” you just smile and wait for her to take the picture. “one more, but with a fun pose! say ‘New York!’”
“okay can we just take the picture?”
“aw you know it makes me happy”
“all right,” through gritted teeth, “[[New York!]]"if you could see the future would you know what to do now?
[[•|Oscar]] [[•|Whitney]]
<img src= https://66.media.tumblr.com/8ac1686f6a4416e9941582c8b893f2d1/1210e468163b30ae-2d/s250x400/cff34e7253c621e7fcc858e12be4a8fcd78f21c2.gifv> <img src=https://66.media.tumblr.com/aa69091b1ead02d1c7cb216ea4de543a/2d20b72d308201a1-e7/s250x400/914aa992c80da42ad355399a5ba6effc72b5fcfd.gifv>willy invites you to come see his thesis production. it’s funny and touching and you try not to mention the anachronisms for the Revolutionary War time period while getting ice cream with him, ali, and dan [[afterwards|without any music]].now that you’ve forgiven your own actions. you want to make things right with jess. from her perspective, you helped her with her hair then suddenly gave her the cold shoulder. [[she deserves an explanation]].Wednesday night. you’re cutting jessie’s bangs over the garbage in her bathroom. she’s known you for long enough to understand your desire to make it as an actor. she tells you that those kids in your acting class aren’t the only connections you have to your dream job. there are a thousand different ways to develop an acting career. jessie has always been a source of comfort and a voice of reason. she may not know what a soliloquy is, but she will always be supportive of your [[dreams|bracelet]].you pop up out of the red velvet seat and turn to your right. willy is beaming. “i knew it would be you!” time moves in slow-motion. you hear the applause as if it’s coming from underwater. the bracelet Jessie gave you to wear for tonight almost slides off of your sweaty hand. your legs take you to the aisle and onto the stage. you take the award from Timothée Chalamet as he mouths “congratulations” and step up to the podium.
“I- I- I can’t believe it. Thank you so much. If someone came up to me and told me two decades ago, when I was emailing every theater company in Manhattan, that I would be standing here tonight, I would’ve avoided eye contact and crossed the street. Hell, if someone told me I’d move to LA I probably would’ve just laughed…”you pop up out of the red velvet seat and turn to your right. willy is beaming. “i knew it would be you!” time moves in slow-motion. you hear the applause as if it’s coming from underwater. your legs take you to the aisle and onto the stage. you take the award from Timothée Chalamet as he mouths “congratulations” and step up to the podium.
“I- I- I can’t believe it. Thank you so much. If someone came up to me and told me two decades ago, when I was emailing every theater company in Manhattan, that I would be standing here tonight, I would’ve avoided eye contact and crossed the street. Hell, if someone told me I’d move to LA I probably would’ve just laughed…”
<blockquote class="imgur-embed-pub" lang="en" data-id="a/2R1fL1R" ><a href="//imgur.com/a/2R1fL1R">Academy Award</a></blockquote><script async src="//s.imgur.com/min/embed.js" charset="utf-8"></script>you see Jessie with her parents across the courtyard. the black robe contrasts well against her blonde bob. you walk to her.
“hey, Jess”
she looks at you. “hey”
“congrats”
J- “same to you”
smile. “what are you doing after this?”
J- “i’ll probably get dinner with my parents”
“i mean like next year, this summer”
J- “oh, i got an offer at the Whitney. marketing stuff, not sure how long i’ll stick with it.”
“that sounds great! i’ll be in the city too. maybe we can meet up after we move in”
J- “you sure you won’t be too busy?”
“hey i’m really sorry i kind of pulled away. but you’re an important person in my life. i just wanted you to know that, whatever happens in the future.”
J- “yeah. i understand. text me when you move into your new place. i’ve gotta go now, but.. [[you’re also an important person to me|bracelet]].”
smile.
J- “i’ll see you around New York”
<blockquote class="imgur-embed-pub" lang="en" data-id="a/XewCZV0"><a href="//imgur.com/a/XewCZV0">Jessie, NYC</a></blockquote><script async src="//s.imgur.com/min/embed.js" charset="utf-8"></script>3 years later.
you're filling up your water bottle in the copyroom. the deadline your boss just announced doesn't exist until the water gets to the top of your bottle. you're lucky to have landed a position at this PR firm. web design. Jessie's been busy with her marketing job at the Whitney, but she makes time to get coffee at least once every season. you read about willy's breakout film. you always suspected he was better suited to write for the silver screen. the water is approaching the bottle's lip. your legs pivot and carry you back towards your cubicle. walking in small curves, right to left, left to right, right to left... you perform the monologue Professor West worked on with you for weeks after class. willy tells you that you should really audition for the lead in his thesis production. you have a gift, he says. you're flattered, but you've already decided to extend the monologue into your own thesis performance. willy says he understands, but he'd love to collaborate on a [[future project|bracelet]].
↶↷ No Regrets
you walk in a winding path along the sidewalk. it is night. 10:16. you promised jessie you’d come over to help her dye her hair around 10:30. blonde again. when you walk alone you don’t have to stay to one side of the sidewalk.
